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|Insomnia| Evvery night at 10 pm, I get into my blanket, trying to sleep, my mom turns off the lamp in my room hoping that I'm gonna sleep and I close my eyes as she kisses my forehead and says Good night. But as she leaves closing the door behind her, I open my eyes and look around and wonder whether all the beasts of the night are attending today or not, trying to examine every part of the room with caution, I start feeling chills going down my spine, so I pull my blanket over my head, try to shut my eyes with my hands, but how can I close the window of imagination? Please if you know how, tell me because all I see are dancing demons of my past, eating on my raw flesh, all I see are broken promises, which come back to me as tears slipping down my cheeks, all I hear are heart breaks in the increased throbbing of my numb heart. Now I try to adjust sit up, try to breath, its almost 1:00 am, its morning, but its so dark, just like my life, where the sun shines, my face glows, people think that I have a pure soul, but what about my heart, full of dark? They don't see how heartbreaks and unfulfilled promises turned to trash, burnt to black ash, painted my heart black. Or do they see, I don't know, but this hour is what I can relate my life to. Just like this time of night, when the hush is horrible and distant screams of street dogs are comforting, just like this in my life right now, I yearn someone to talk to me, because in my silence, I think and think and think, unendingly like the unending silent night just stays be. So I don't know what to do where to go, where to scream or take all my thoughts slow, but how? How are thoughts taken slow, when they come with adrenaline shots? There is no scope of joy now and then I swing myself on my bed, holding my knees, clenching them in my fists and my tears wetting my pyjamas as I yearn to scream so loud, for all the words that made sense to me once, never made sense to him. But I wonder, Why did he ever even say those things? Why would he do that to me, I am just human? Did he I was an angel, to forgive him or did he think that I'd soon lose all the memory of him? I wasn't as pet dog! I was a lover, I couldn't share him, even pet dogs get jealous when their owners get too close to other people! So was it my fault, that I got jealous and worried and confronted him and he backlashed on me making it a reason to leave me, that I deserved nobody , musing about it all, my breath stops, I choke on my own saliva and a mouth full of tears and then I realise its 3:00 am, still, time doesn't pass it doesn't pass at all, especially when you are broken, just the days when I was broken in my body, when I suffered a night of pain, when I wanted him to talk to me but he wouldn't, he was busy, he was busy and embarrassed of me, embarrassed to text me in front of other people and when he told me this, that was the first time I realised that he doesn't love me, maybe he never did or maybe after four years I was too much to love, or maybe his love for me faded with time or he had loved me enough for my entire life, that now I didn't deserve love and my own thoughts, broke my heart, I don't put the blame on him, so for days I sat in the sun, hoping that my bones would heal, hoping they would stick together and also hoping deep inside that his memory would vaporise from my mind or that his presence would burn inside my heart, but what vaporised was my own self confidence and what burnt was my own heart, as he set it to fire and now that black part, that charred part, aches every night, for the unburnt part is not enough to save me, as it has done enough for the day, fake smiling and pretending happy. As I'm pondering, wailing silently and as more tears are welling up in my eyes, I remember, there is a window besides me and if I take a leap of faith, maybe I'll not have to feel infinitely low, unwanted, heart broken, so I open up the curtain, but just as I do, I see the Shankaracharya mountains and I see the beautiful sun, taking a glimpse of our beautiful valley and I wonder, if he can leave the earth in the dark and if the earth can survive those hours, why can't I, maybe the sun of my life hasn't risen on me yet, maybe my past lover was just a shooting star, maybe my real soulmate will live inside me forever.... ©Maleeha Tak
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